Heavy Death

A member of my family died yesterday and I felt nothing. When my mother took her life in 2020, our family was cut off from hers (this was not our decision). Though I made sure to keep them updated with the happenings following her death, and was explicit in hugging each of them on the day of the event to demonstrate my open heart, the point was sorely missed. In my view of the pain experienced by all, this is a conceivable reaction.

Many months were spent in torment, wondering why certain combative words said, and if I’d ever see them again. These questions have no answer. I could never feel their situation and pain directly, and could not assume they’d ever see the light of compassion enough to rekindle the healthy relationships my mother so deeply wished for prior to her passing. The unanswerable nature of these questions caused my mind to surf the impulses of chaotic thought ripples of memory and expectation. Day in and day out, I would repeatedly serve my mind these questions, always responded to by increasing confusion and frustration.

Most of my days were spent in a semi-sedated state under the influence of THC. Conscious enough to work, fuzzy enough to forget. The entanglements placed upon on my mind were mounting but served me little; efforts and energies expended, but life becoming worse. After months of this nonsensical line of thought, I explicitly understood one thing; I am not required to experience these feelings. Others have made their decision, and thus I musn’t hold onto the very hope that is taking me down. I cannot know the if, how, and when.

In my view there are several types of death. Complete death is when a person passes. Pseudo death is when you are physically revoked from contact with another being even though both parties are alive (i.e., end of relationship, family abandonment, etc.). Mental death is when your mind comes to terms with either complete or pseudo death. Though you must live with the reality of deaths both complete and pseudo, to accept them is mental death; it is when you have consciously guided the mind to no longer reverberate their deeper sorrows which inflict undue mental agitations. Heavy death is the combination of either a complete or pseudo death (loss), followed by mental death (acceptance).

I feel to have experienced pseudo death with my mother’s family. What followed was mental torment, as my mind would not accept the outcome of losing family so dispassionately. Months later, I guided my mind through acceptance. If life’s fate were to run them through good or bad, I agreed that it was no longer my concern. My heart remains open, but my mind hardened by heavy death. A bittersweet note gifted by such a technique is the lack of sorrow at the time of their complete death. Such is my experience this week. Ultimately, it is better to serve equipoise of the mind than the chaotic ponderings of past and future induced by painful and unresolvable events.