What happened (This Year)?

This is a look at the successes and failures of the year, and what I want to resolve in the coming year.

Revelations in 2025

My 2024 was an incredible ride. This year (2025) I almost completely strayed off my intended goals stated in my 2024 year-end review. It brought endless emotional challenges that were a powerful seed for mental strength. It was exhausting and painful, yet I sat with that source of difficulty knowing it would teach me to endure tremendous fear and struggle. Though it’s not resolved, I have learnt much from it. There are days where I think I must have been a serial killer in my past life, because this life has been endless blows.

Unfortunately I still have not published my ongoing work and not finished my PhD, and there are still many months of that ahead. I did defend my proposal and seminar, which motivated me for about three days until the weight of it returned. In the past years I have lost significant amount of hair. There is only a baby carrot in this experience, mostly stick.

Imagine the stupidity it takes to run @Hack for two years during the PhD, where in the second iteration I was inappropriately criticized in small, meaningless aspects of its execution by a professional mentor. Never do things for others unless you thoroughly think it through. You owe nothing to anyone in this life. Right at the end of @Hack 2025, like clockwork, my initial PhD bursary (from 2020) ran out and the only idiot I could blame for this is myself. This year my landlord is increasing my rent which started at $1,250 years ago, to $1,500. I am forced to leave because it’s no longer reasonable to pay this greedy bulbous landlord who sent me a link to realtor.ca when I requested he freeze the rent for a year. I have consequently removed myself from @Hack involvement, because the workload as President of Hexploit Alliance distracted me, exhausted my creativity and focus, and left me with larger financial concerns and progress slow-downs. During the two day event of @Hack 2025, after reaching my apartment on the first night, I sat in my bathtub and cried at the complete bodily fatigue. In that moment I knew this would be the last time I’d carry out such an arduous process for others’ desires. I have been involved in small mentoring sessions with an up and coming talent, and I hope she will make good use of this challenge and the budding opportunities of her future.

Thanks to the guitarist I played with ages ago, I was able to visit a recording studio outside of Montreal to observe and learn some fundamentals of recording. This year I realized my bed consumed an entire room, thus I have sold it in exchange for a small foldable Japanese Futon and converted the bedroom into a composition room. I have been devouring music theory like a hungry landlord, going through Jai Joseph’s “Writing Music for Hit Songs” which gave me a great foundation for analyzing music. I have composed two self-proclaimed great songs with more cooking. At six songs I will begin recording a small album. I have an endless pit of music in me and not enough time to get it out. Music is a part of every single day of my life, and I only tend to it about 1.5 – 3 hours per day. I split my music into avenues of: composition, theory, appreciation/analysis, and playing ability, prioritized in the order listed. Composing and building musical vocabulary through theory are key for me, as the work that delights me is infrequently virtuosic. The late Frank Zappa has been a constant inspiration to me by his dedication to music from a young age, and his deserved middle finger in the face of convention while still composing unmatched masterpieces. If you’d like to hear one of his hits, here it is. Listen for the clarity of the mix and depth of his layered vocals. If you’d like to hear some other great compositions, check out his “Brown Moses” for a tremendous vocal composition, and “Watermelon In Easter Hay” for a cloud-soaring emotional voyage.

I have also seen that relationships I have fostered on the foundation of short term gain ended in a cold and detached manner. They have their limited benefits, but I haven’t truly built a friendship for over 10 years. I do not make much effort fostering friendships, nor do I know how, nor do I feel the draw to; perhaps it is too late for me, or perhaps I am destined to be my own best friend. Who knows.

I have maintained my body and am certainly stronger, but I am largely still weak. I could have done better. Much of my failures come from late bed times, hedonism, smoking late, and overeating — struggles nearly as old as myself. I have failed to learn to skate and swim, which I considered a goal for the year. I could not accomplish this in an entire year’s worth of time. Imagine the waste, image the fears.

I have sold many of my goods, clearing out needless nonsensical items to focus on creativity. I did satisfy my goal of subtracting from my life. Fewer distractions. I have thrown away my plants, sold screens, and exchanged my IKEA mattress and bedframe for a Japanese futon. I will be leaving my spot in Westmount this year to save money as well. What you own is shit. You cultivate deep transient desires that dissipate after you’ve attained them. The reason for this is explained by Professor Arindam Chakrabarti in his “Paradox of Desire”. His view is that desire for an object is actually a hard coupling of BOTH the object and the desire. Once the object is attained, the desire vanishes (how can you desire an object which you have attained?) and thus you actually have not attained your desired object, because you no longer have the desire. Desire is a paradox because once the object is attained the desire is gone. Your objects are all shit, and most of them have remained unused by you for years. What respect do you have for these objects which sit in the closet for years, unseen and better used by spiders living under them? We need certain objects to survive, work towards goals, and for hobbies, but the rest is sewage, garbage. There is no happiness-delivering object.

I have to thank the tender yet powerful Swami Sarvapriyananda for his teachings. I have studied the Mandukya through his countless hours of word-by-word explanations, and from it came to understand the universe could not have been created, neither could it be infinitely existing, nor created by an infinite being. This, because if a creator is involved, that creator must be created, leading to infinite regression (thus impossible). If the creator is said to not be created, then the creator would have to be infinite. Yet this poses a second contradiction — an infinite creator cannot actually create anything because anything created subtracts from its source, and an infinite being cannot be subtracted from (since it is infinite); thus the universe was not created, nor is it from an infinite creator. It is an appearance in consciousness. The most powerful lecture from the Swami can be found here; it is his most fiery and clear-headed speech where you can witness his great intellectual and spiritual power. It is a must watch.

I’ve further organized my finances so I can spend without thinking and invest in my future. The consequence has been saving of thousands of dollars this year. My money is split into an emergency fund, and the rest in XEQT which I contribute to monthly. This plan, thanks to a mix between the advices of the rigid Dave Ramsey, and the late John C. Bogle and the Bogleheads, and further inspired by my landlord.

Yet with all the blows and crushing tragedies, I am not going to give up. If there is anything I’ve learnt in this life, and through the study of Advaita Vedanta, it’s this: The material world is the grand jeweller and you may be the willing client; the jeweller does not desire its own goods but rather displays them to dim-witted and willing clients, like you, who is blinded by the shine and lustre of undifferentiated matter. Remove yourself from gazing at the jeweller’s display with your drooling mouth agape. This world is one of trade, from civilizations past until now. We trade time for money, then back from money to desired objects and experiences — from X I get Y and from Y I get Z, hence the world of cause and effect, or “causality”. Graduate by checking out of this stupid cycle and you will unburden yourself. Do not accept mistreatment from any sorry tyrant in this life, whether it be parent or superior. Rather fight to be treated appropriately, do not mistreat others, and forgive vigorously. The pinpricks of life are nothing in the face of our courage. Believe in yourself, your powers, and the cosmic sequence which is beyond petty desires and understandability. Live out your miserable story, picking yourself up after each downfall, and drag yourself forward. Always look out for the ones you love and give to them instead of the momentary pleasures you believe you are owed because of your “hard work”. The drink, the smoke, the coffee, the trip, it’s all a mental play, and you will philosophize on behalf of any desire. Decide what’s important and work towards it; the rest is futile. Take a close look at the endless objects and desires you run after like an animal in heat and understand how much they take from you. Even tragedy has sense for those who are awake and willing to face it. Face your life. It was meant for you to endure and see through, not to give up in sorrow. The grandest virtues like compassion are often fostered through suffering, and thus every painful moment has the seeds for a bed of roses — that is the reason you should look upon apparently negative and painful moments with trust. Who would I be without my mother’s suicide, if I had not seen the consequence of poor behaviours compounded through a lifetime? If I would have given up, there were many great deeds which I would never have been able to carry through. We witness terrors, but we need not become permanently terrified. Let’s all keep our heads screwed on together, and keep trying to serve others and satisfy our cosmic placement.

Accomplishments in 2025

With the failures and frustrations aside, let’s outline the accomplishments which are not nearly as impressive or awe-inspiring as last year

1. Organized the second iteration of @Hack with newer efforts including a theme song I composed, and an accompanying short film
2. Left Hexploit Alliance as President and logistics lead
3. Defended my proposal and seminar towards PhD completion
4. Completed the Kathopanishad
5. Stood by a loved one through intense trauma
6. Understood my deepest fears in more vivid resolution
7. Completed the study of “Writing Music for Hit Songs” by Jai Josefs
8. Wrote 9 articles
9. Composed two new pieces of music
10. Visited recording studio a handful of times
11. Changed my faulty bass pickup
12. Implemented a mu-calculus solver
13. Had a blow-out confrontation turn into a respectful relationship
14. Worked on music every day in some way
15. Helped dad install a ceiling and lights
16. Sold my bed, replaced with a foldable Japanese Futon
17. Changed my bedroom into a composition room
18. Lowered my reactivity further
19. Cooked more, learning to nourish myself better
20. Took control of my personal finances
21. Worked out a long-term investment plan

Lookout into 2026

This years’ goals are quite similar to last, since I failed to accomplish most of them. It is startling how quickly time passes, and how easily our goals remain untouched. Keep on reducing fears while building musical ability. There is still so much catching up to do.

I wish that this year is better than last for those of us who struggled. Let’s do our best to keep our minds positive about the future, and to continuously engage our minds into the most desirable of actions each day.